Food for life: Recognizing addiction and lessons in fueling my body.

I love food. I hate eating. This dichotomy is probably a big piece of why I have loathed my body over the years. As a kid, I was pretty average, maybe even on the skinny side. I was also a very picky eater, (my nickname was Bird because I didn't eat a lot but loved bread) I'm still a picky eater at times. As I hit puberty, I became much curvier and developed breasts and hips earlier than most of my friends. I learned to be more self conscience, but I was still thin and healthy. I grew up in a home where weight was an issue. I remember being aware of "diets" and "being thin" as a priority. I watched my parents gain and lose weight throughout my childhood. I've watched my father struggle with it my whole life. I'm very aware of the "dangers" of being fat. My father has type 2 diabetes. I've watched him lose 60lbs and gain 80lbs, then lose 40lbs. Over and over and over. My father is an emotional eater and I learned from him. I'm a daddy's girl and I have identified with his struggle for as long as I can remember (even when I didn't have any weight to lose of my own).  As I became an adult, more pressing medical issues became the focus. In my early 20's, I had my gallbladder and appendix removed within 6 months of each other and then at 27, my first open heart surgery. After that surgery was the first time I was truly overweight and that time frame cemented my genetic predisposition to emotional eating.

I think my first "diet" was probably as a teenager sometime when I was certainly NOT overweight, but had learned to find something about my body that needed to be different, as most women in our culture are taught to do. I had probably lost and gained the same 10lbs for a decade, and all while at a healthy (whatever THAT means...) weight.

I'm 42 now and STILL struggling with this. Admittedly, I am considered "overweight" and I can feel the difference 15-20lbs makes on my body while trying to swim, bike and run farther (and faster) than ever before. What I don't know how to do is deal with it in any kind of a healthy way. Over the years, I have gradually maintained 5, then 10, then 15 pounds of weight that I didn't have in my 20's. Some of that is too be expected with age, but I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER and I need to deal with that. I know what healthy eating looks like. I've tried every 'eating style' there is; vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, whole 30. There are merits to them all and limitations to them all. Over the years, I, at least, have a better understanding of what food makes me feel better and what foods make me feel like crap (i.e. sugar and processed foods).

 I need to readjust my relationship with food. I read a ton of training articles and consistently hear about "food as fuel." I want food to be my fuel so my workouts are more effective, so my body can use it to help me go farther and faster in my races. Yes, I would like to also lose these stubborn 15-20lbs, but I know it's not just about weight loss. It's about learning to control a habit I learned many years ago. A habit that no longer serves any use.

Stronger than I think (and learning to give myself a break)

I was feeling a lot of pressure today to get my workout in. I didn't do any training the past 2 days and I felt extremely guilty about it. I'm learning that I have a lot of guilt around working out (or not working out). I was planning to train on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I had a great workout. I did a brick workout where I ran, then biked, then ran again. I felt REALLY good about the workout. So much so, that I started thinking "Hey, this endurance stuff is definitely my forte. I feel like I get stronger the longer I'm training/the further I go." Then, Sunday came. I completely avoided my workout. Maybe I was too tired from Saturday's workout, but I didn't feel too tired to work out. In fact, I had energy to do other things. I just didn't want to do it. So I didn't, and I felt SO guilty all day. But I told myself, "well, you'll just do a quick workout tomorrow after work to make up for it." I didn't do that either. Sometimes, I'm just not very motivated. I can talk myself out a training session a little too easily.

I'm learning (slowly) that it's okay to miss training sessions, it's okay to choose sleep, friends, family over a training session now and again. There's so much talk in the endurance sports field about finding balance between training and the rest of life (work, family, etc) and I get it now. I feel pressure to be training, but I also feel pressure to be available to spend time with family and friends (this is completely internal pressure, my wife is extremely supportive of my training. Thankfully!)

I have a sign in my office (I'm a clinical social worker) that says "It is what it is." I love that sign. It's pretty much my motto. I can't be everywhere. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't think about myself solely. So, balance. I'll miss a few training sessions to spend time with my wife and friends. I'll leave early or arrive late to gatherings to get my training in. I'll keep working on the guilt part :-)

On a completely different note (sort of), I ran for 30 minutes today without a walk break!!! Woo Hoo! After all my guilt over not training the past 2 days, I went into my workout today unsure of how it would go. My plan was to swim and run, but I've missed several swim sessions lately and my motivation has been waning this week. I got in the pool and completed 800meters (1/2 mile). 100 meter warm up with the kick board, 600 meter free style stroke with minimal breaks (short 10-15 seconds between each 100 meters) and then 100 meters cool down with the breast stroke. That's the farthest I've swam in decades. I felt really good about it and it gave me a boost getting onto the treadmill to work on my running goal. My plan was 26 minutes of running, but I felt so good after the 20 minute mark, I decided to aim for 30 minutes and I made it! I even went a little farther after a 2 minute walk break and added a 10 minute interval run (increasing and decreasing speed) before my cool down!

I'm still running pretty slow, but I feel good about the endurance I'm gaining and I know speed will come with time and training.

Learning to Run

I'm the queen of the Run/Walk. I love the Run/Walk.

Since I started my running life just over a month after my 2nd open heart surgery, I needed to start out slow. Very slow. I needed the rest between my short run spurts. I started with 30 seconds of running and 2 minutes of walking. I would do that for 20 minutes. Over time, I worked up to running for 2 minutes/walking for 1 minute. Repeat. I believe overall, it's better for you to take periodic walk breaks. Better for your joints, better for your longevity as a runner, but here's my confession:

I've been using that belief as a crutch.

 

When I started out, I was still recovering from a very invasive surgery. My goal for that first race, 5 months after surgery was a 2:1 Run/Walk ratio for the entire race. I did it. Yay Me! Even though I had "mastered" my 2:1's, I stuck with that run/walk ratio throughout my half-marathon and marathon training. Over time (umm, years), I worked up to 5:1 run/walk ratio and then stopped. I could run/walk for 10+ miles with 5:1's. That was good enough. I will probably always take regular walk breaks in any race I complete. My pace is more consistent over time with walk breaks; it gives me built in time to take in fluids and nutrition for longer runs.

 

I don't know why, but this bothers me. Not the taking walk breaks in races, I think that's crucial. It's the fact that I never tried to increase my running time to more than 5 minutes of nonstop running. Even though I know I can run for a long time, not knowing if I could run for 30 minutes without stopping makes me feel like less of a runner.  Which I know is crazy, I would never think that about anyone else, but as it is with a lot of people, I judge myself harsher than I judge others. I also run pretty slowly, but that bother's me less. (Although I do hope to get a little faster over time)

 

 

 

 

This is my current quest. 30 minutes of nonstop running. I've been working on this for a few weeks  and I'm up to 24 minutes :-)

 

Next: Work on speed and stringing longer run sessions together with the walk breaks. We'll see where my running goes from there.

 

My official Triathlon training begins June 1st with CES. I'm excited and nervous. I want my running to be as strong as possible since I'm going to need a lot of practice time in the pool/open water (Lake Michigan) and on the bike :-/

 

 



Making Myself Accountable

I get asked often "Why running? Why Triathlons?" The short answer is "because I can." The long answer goes back 15 years.

I was 27 years old, finally finishing my UNDERgraduate degree and thought I was generally healthy. I went to the gym mainly for vanity reasons, but I also smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and ate mostly fast food or processed food and only went to the doctor if I got a cold or injured myself.

Because this is a blog and not a book, I'll skip the finer points, but suffice it to say that I got sick. Very sick. Very quickly. I went to the emergency room and found out I was in severe congestive heart failure due to Mitral valve stenosis. I had emergency open heart surgery the following day. My recovery from that surgery was less than ideal. I lived alone. I was a college student and had a full-time job. I couldn't really afford to not work, I couldn't really afford my medications. Needless to say, I was depressed and brought taco bell and McDonald's by well meaning friends who didn't really know how to help. I wallowed in self pity, gaining 40lbs in the process.

Fast Forward 10 years and a lot had changed. I finished my Master's Degree, I had lived in Arizona for 8 years and even though I continued to have periodic medical complications from taking Coumadin (A blood thinner), I was healthier and more active. I also met my wife during that time and moved to Atlanta. 10 years, almost to the day, I ended up back in the emergency room with very familiar symptoms. I had a mini stroke (which we actually found out years later) and was back in congestive heart failure. A clot had developed on my valve. Another open heart surgery to replace my mechanical Mitral valve. Thankfully, my life was more stable and I had amazing support from my girlfriend (now wife) and a great community of friends that made my recovery much better.

A month after surgery, I started a new job, and a co-worker and eventual good friend was a distance runner and she encouraged me to sign up for a 10K race (The Peachtree Road Race, only the largest 10K race in the country!) that would be 5 months post surgery.  It took me 1hr and 15mins to finish, but I finished! That turned out to be the beginning of my love for running.

After that, I decided to sign up for a half marathon 3 months later. After that race, I signed up for the Georgia Publix full marathon. You see where this is going. I raced a lot that year preparing for the full marathon, including another half marathon. Unfortunately, my marathon experience was a DNF at the 25 mile marker, when I was so dehydrated that I couldn't continue, and with my history, I was off to the emergency room for fluids and observation.

 I took an extended racing (and running) break after that. Plus, I had a wedding to plan, so that took a lot of my time. I didn't really start running or racing again for almost a year (a lot of life happened in that year).
 In March 2014 (3 years after my 2nd open heart surgery), I ran a St. Patrick's Day 5K with some friends. I had a PR for my 5K time. I felt amazing. A couple hours later, we were at brunch with a group of friends and I apparently passed out momentarily (I don't remember it at all). Many trips to the doctor and several tests later, my doctor told me I had bradycardia (Low heart rate) and that over a 48hr period my heart slowed to below 60 beats a minute multiple times a day and I would also flat line for a brief moments which was what caused the loss of consciousness that day. Because my heart rate would fall so low to officially flat line, my doctor wanted me to have a pacemaker implanted immediately. My 3rd emergent heart surgery/procedure. Thankfully, the procedure is pretty routine and I even got to go home that day!

As with my last heart surgery, I signed up for the Peachtree Road Race 10K, 3 1/2 months later. I even got a another friend into running and she signed up with me! There's something about that race that seems to spark something in me. I had been tossing around the idea in my head for a while to try a triathlon. I had been fascinated with them since watching the Kona Ironman Championship races on tv as a teenager. I signed up for a sprint triathlon (500meter swim/14mile bike/3.1mile run) at the end of the summer (and the Savannah half marathon in Nov). I signed up for some basic swim lessons as a brush up on stroke mechanics and breathing and bought a road bike. I was ready! Thankfully, I had several friends that had done several triathlons, including the Ironman distance (2.4 mile swim/112 mile bike/26.2 mile run) and they talked me through transitions and took me to open water swims and let me borrow a tri kit (the outfit you wear to swim, bike and run in). I finished in my goal time and was hooked. I loved it!

I immediately started talking about wanting to do the Chicago Triathlon the following year (2015). We had decided to move to Chicago that summer and although we didn't realize we would be moving in Jan 2015 (in the dead of winter, brrr), it worked out perfectly for my triathlon plan (well, sort of). I also had a marathon plan. I feel a strong pull to complete a marathon since my DNF in 2012 and the Chicago marathon is one of the 6 major marathons, so I was planning to add that to my training schedule. Just as I had made my training plan, I fell down some stairs and did this.

It's been a very rough start to 2015.

So, where does that leave me? I've scratched the marathon for this year, but I am signed up for the Chicago Triathlon, Olympic distance (0.9mile swim/25mile bike/6.2mile run). My ankle finally healed and I started running again about a month ago. I've done some swimming as well. I decided to train with Chicago Endurance Sports in their group triathlon training program so I have some accountability, but this is also my accountability. Putting it out there publicly. I'm ready to do this.