I love food. I hate eating. This dichotomy is probably a big piece of why I have loathed my body over the years. As a kid, I was pretty average, maybe even on the skinny side. I was also a very picky eater, (my nickname was Bird because I didn't eat a lot but loved bread) I'm still a picky eater at times. As I hit puberty, I became much curvier and developed breasts and hips earlier than most of my friends. I learned to be more self conscience, but I was still thin and healthy. I grew up in a home where weight was an issue. I remember being aware of "diets" and "being thin" as a priority. I watched my parents gain and lose weight throughout my childhood. I've watched my father struggle with it my whole life. I'm very aware of the "dangers" of being fat. My father has type 2 diabetes. I've watched him lose 60lbs and gain 80lbs, then lose 40lbs. Over and over and over. My father is an emotional eater and I learned from him. I'm a daddy's girl and I have identified with his struggle for as long as I can remember (even when I didn't have any weight to lose of my own). As I became an adult, more pressing medical issues became the focus. In my early 20's, I had my gallbladder and appendix removed within 6 months of each other and then at 27, my first open heart surgery. After that surgery was the first time I was truly overweight and that time frame cemented my genetic predisposition to emotional eating.
I think my first "diet" was probably as a teenager sometime when I was certainly NOT overweight, but had learned to find something about my body that needed to be different, as most women in our culture are taught to do. I had probably lost and gained the same 10lbs for a decade, and all while at a healthy (whatever THAT means...) weight.
I'm 42 now and STILL struggling with this. Admittedly, I am considered "overweight" and I can feel the difference 15-20lbs makes on my body while trying to swim, bike and run farther (and faster) than ever before. What I don't know how to do is deal with it in any kind of a healthy way. Over the years, I have gradually maintained 5, then 10, then 15 pounds of weight that I didn't have in my 20's. Some of that is too be expected with age, but I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER and I need to deal with that. I know what healthy eating looks like. I've tried every 'eating style' there is; vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, whole 30. There are merits to them all and limitations to them all. Over the years, I, at least, have a better understanding of what food makes me feel better and what foods make me feel like crap (i.e. sugar and processed foods).
I need to readjust my relationship with food. I read a ton of training articles and consistently hear about "food as fuel." I want food to be my fuel so my workouts are more effective, so my body can use it to help me go farther and faster in my races. Yes, I would like to also lose these stubborn 15-20lbs, but I know it's not just about weight loss. It's about learning to control a habit I learned many years ago. A habit that no longer serves any use.
No comments:
Post a Comment