Now What? Ramblings about health and life...

It's been 2 weeks since the race. As I've gone over the day in my head, I of course, have analyzed every aspect of the day. What could I have done better? Faster? This race was my sole focus for a year and now it's done. What do I do now? Create new goals I suppose, but somehow it doesn't feel that easy. It's weird sometimes, because I'm often referred to as an "inspiration" to others. I understand why someone might think that, I really do, but I don't feel like an inspiration at all. I feel like a person who is trying to figure out how to not be sick all the time.

I had another surgery 5 days ago. 10 days after the race. It was a pretty minor procedure in the list of my surgeries. It was an outpatient procedure. I went home the same day. I have this vision of myself as pretty tough when it comes to medical stuff. I've had 2 open heart surgeries. A pacemaker implanted. I've had my appendix removed in an underdeveloped country (Tajikistan) WITHOUT general anesthesia (they used Novocaine to numb the area and I was awake).

I've been really frustrated with myself because this minor, outpatient procedure has made me really sore for the past 4 days. Sore to the point that I haven't been to the gym, I've spent days lying on the couch, resting. I'll complain about being sore and my wife keeps reminding me that I just had surgery, but somehow it doesn't register. "I should be better by now. I should be up and active. I shouldn't still be sore. I shouldn't still be resting." These are my thoughts. No one else expects this of me, but I expect it of me. I don't feel like an inspiration. I feel like a failure. A sick person.

Thankfully, I'm a person that has the ability to reason with myself. That's just how I feel, that's not who I am. I do get sick, but then I get better and when I'm better, I always push myself to try to do more, do something I couldn't do before. So...Now What?

I start again.

2015 has been a difficult year. A dear friend and amazing human being died earlier this year, unexpectedly. We moved to a different region of the country. There's been so much loss. Not just this year, but the past several years. Family, friends, faith, comfort, health, finances. Everything has been impacted.

We're slowly moving into Fall. My favorite time of year. Things slow down, it's preparation for Winter and the end of another year. My wife and I are doing a Whole 30. It's a 30 day cleanse. No Sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, grains or soy. It's a reboot of sorts. I hope this time frame-the 30 days of the Whole 30 and the next 3 months of Fall can prepare me to say farewell to this difficult, challenging and beautiful year and get ready to welcome all the new challenges and adventures of next year.

Goals? I'm not sure yet. I know I'm going to do the Chicago Olympic Triathlon again next year, but other than that, I'm going to try and give myself a break from "goals" and just try to enjoy my favorite time of year. 

Chicago Triathlon-Race Report

I did it!!! I finished my first Olympic distance triathlon!

I didn't go into race day feeling very confident. I had a difficult training summer with illness, loss, unexpected travel and more missed training sessions than I was comfortable with. I had to make a lot of mental and physical adjustments in the days leading up to the race. Whenever I would talk about "goals" for the race, I publicly would say, "I just want to finish!" and while that was true, I always have more private, personal goals. When I started on this journey 4 months ago, I was hopeful that I could complete the race in under 4 hours. By the time race day came around, I was hopeful to finish in under 5 hours...

My official time: 4:17:18!

 I'm very happy with my time. I know I can improve on it and I definitely plan on more triathlons to get that time closer to 3:30:00 in the future. One of the big areas I can improve on is time in transition. I spent almost 20 minutes in transition between T1 and T2. (T1=between swim and bike, T2=between bike and run).

Here's the breakdown of my day:

I woke up at 3am (went to bed around 8:30pm) to eat breakfast and have coffee (thanks to my amazing wife, who woke up with me) with enough time to get all the last minute things together, a pit stop to the bathroom and out the door by 4am to walk over to the transition area. Oh, I forgot to mention, my apartment is a 10 minute walk to the transition area/race start. Some days, its the small things...

If you don't know, the Chicago Triathlon is the largest Triathlon in the U.S. with 9,000 participants, so the transition area is huge and very tight. You rack your bike (thankfully, CES has it's own rack area and it was right next to the bike in/bike out area) and lay out everything you will need for the day (bike helmet, bike shoes, running shoes, race belt, sunglasses, extra water, nutrition, etc...) in a small space next to your bike. I grab my wetsuit, neoprene swim socks (because lake Michigan was 62 degrees), goggles, swim cap and head over to find the CES tent close to the swim start at Monroe Harbor. Here are some pics from the CES tent pre-race

SWIM:
We jumped into Lake Michigan at 6:06am to wait for our 6:08 wave start. The water was COLD! Even with the wetsuit and swim socks, the cold water made it difficult to breathe. I knew I needed to get my head under water before the buzzer went off but when I put my head under, I came up and could hardly breathe from the cold. It was time to swim. I tried to put my head in the water to start freestyle swimming and couldn't keep my breath even with my head in the water, so I flipped over on my back to get some air and started to backstroke. I found that I could backstroke with no trouble and I managed to create some space so I wouldn't hit to many people and could sight now and then to make sure I was going in the right direction. I have a decent backstroke, and I felt like I was going at a pretty steady pace, so I stuck with that plan and ended up backstroking the entire 1640 yards.

BIKE:
The race has volunteers at the swim exit to help you out, which is really helpful, because it was pretty disorienting coming out of the water. At the swim exit, you're 1/4 mile from the transition area and the end of your "official" swim time. I jog the 1/4 mile to transition and stop before I get to the very tight row of bikes to get my wetsuit off. I take entirely too long in transition, but I decided to try and eat something and have some Gatorade before getting on the bike. I'm still a nervous cyclist and I was worried about trying to eat and drink too much while also riding. If you read my last post, you know that I got clipless pedals (shoes that clip into the pedal so you are attached to the bike pedal). I practiced with the clipless pedals for a couple weeks and went out and practiced in the grass so I wouldn't hurt myself and I consistently fell over. I have a lot of difficulty getting out of the pedals (they've been loosened, but may need to be adjusted again...and I clearly need more practice) and I was really unsure about using them in a race when I wasn't confident with them. I didn't want to cause or be a part of an accident, so I decided to switch pedals back to my flat pedals and ride in my running shoes. I'm planning to practice more and hopefully next season I will be flying along with my clipless pedals! The bike was a pretty cool course, the first 15 or so miles is on Lake Shore Drive. As someone who only takes public transit on LSD, I had no idea how hilly it is! Then, we're down in lower wacker drive and if you've seen Dark Knight, it would look familiar! I felt like batman zooming along on my bike in the underground tunnels. Finally, 25 miles later, I'm at the bike dismount area and I just have the run left.

RUN:
I spent much less time in transition, but considering I didn't need to change shoes, it was still too long. I also had to go to the bathroom at this point. I cross the official run start line and immediately stop in the port-a-toilet. I was quick and it was still pretty clean, thankfully. Now, I just need to run and my legs feel like bricks. I shuffle along for about a mile and then my left foot goes numb. I stop and stretch and try and get some feeling back in my foot. It's a little better, so I start to run at a pretty slow pace, but I'm moving. The run was beautiful along the lakefront and the crowd of people cheering was awesome! I tried to stick with my run/walk ratio of 5:1 (5 min run/1 min walk) and was able to maintain that for about 2 miles and then went down to 2:1's as my left foot continued to be slightly numb and my left IT band was starting to bother me. Finally I saw the 6 mile marker and knew I only had .2 miles left and the crowd was amazing. I picked up my pace a little as I ran down the final stretch and I hear the announcer yell, "And it's Mayor Rahm Emmanuel coming in to the finish!" and look up and there is our mayor, flanked by a couple other people just about 10 seconds ahead of me! I can see the finish line and I start to tear up. I'm so exhausted and emotional about this journey I am on and then, "Here's Kimberly Green!" I'm done. I've done it!

As soon as I crossed the finish line, I saw Phen (my wife) and immediately started sobbing. The exhaustion and emotions of the past 4 hours, and the past 4 months, and the past 4 years all collided and I sobbed. It was a difficult training season in a difficult year of a difficult season in life. So much loss. So much sickness. So much change. But I did it. My body is stronger than I think. I am stronger than I think.

Anything is possible.

 Also, my wife completed her first ever triathlon! She did the supersprint the day before. A 400 yard swim, 6 mile bike and 1.5 mile run! I'm super proud of her! It was a really crappy day, wet and cold and she persevered and completed it! Here's a photo!

Dealing with Setbacks

It's been a rough month. July has been filled with illness and injury and I have struggled with how to deal with these setbacks lately. Admittedly, I'm sensitive around my health status. I deplore being sick but I've had to learn to preemptively take myself to the doctor or hospital at times to avoid even bigger health disasters. If you didn't catch my health history in my first blog, I've had a couple open heart surgeries and have a pacemaker. I take Coumadin (a blood thinner) because I have an artificial heart valve and it helps prevent strokes but I've also had a history of GI bleeding. It's a problem.

 Earlier this month, I developed another (my 3rd) GI bleed and being on Coumadin complicates that as I will just continue to bleed since my blood doesn't clot to help prevent strokes (which I've had in the past, so doctors are hesitant to adjust my medicine). Basically, I get stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't stop my blood thinner medication because it puts me at risk of a stroke, but being on the medication means I continue to bleed with the possibility of needing a blood transfusion (which I've also had in the past). Bah! Just typing it frustrates me. Anyway, I ended up in the hospital overnight for observation and 2 weeks of follow up appointments and restricted activity because I was actively bleeding. My bleeding did eventually stop, but I'm still waiting to meet with a surgeon, so I'm not fully cleared yet.

It really threw off my training to be sidelined to very minimal activity for 2 weeks when the race was less than 2 months away. I knew I could modify my schedule and 5-6 weeks is still a good amount of time to make up some training, but it also took some of my motivation. I found it really hard to get back to my regular workouts and as soon as I was getting back into the swing of things, THIS HAPPENED:

My very FIRST bicycle crash. My first time back out on the bike in a couple weeks and I had a collision with a runner who stepped into my lane (he had headphones on and was looking in the opposite direction and didn't see or hear me in time; he at least felt really bad about it and gave me cash for the damage to my bike and he seemed uninjured). I however, flew off my bike and landed on the concrete with my knee, then chest, then helmet (Always wear a helmet!!) and the front of the bike hit the pavement and landed on me. It hurt. A LOT. My bike will survive, but needs some work. The reflector was shattered and the gears are messed up. At least the frame seems ok. I will also survive, but this definitely left me feeling a bit defeated with my training. I'm banged up pretty good and my only bike is out of commission. 4 weeks until the race seems a lot closer than 2 months and suddenly I feel very unprepared.

Thankfully, I have a great training group and everyone has been very positive and optimistic and had lots of good advice to help me feel less defeated and on track with training. My bike is at the shop and I'll have it back in a few days; plus, I'm also going to step into the world of clipless petals to improve my cycling (and my run once I get off the bike!)

 This definitely hasn't been an ideal training season, but I have 4 weeks to do everything I can to be as prepared as possible for race day. I'm excited to get my bike back all tuned up and with some new gear to make these last few brick workouts really count. And just like that, I have my motivation back!

Open water swimming and lessons in humility.

Someone should warn you before you start triathlons that pretty much everything you wear for a triathlon is made of material that suctions itself to every part of your body. It is almost impossible to get on and/or off a wetsuit without a tremendous amount of pulling, tugging, and stuffing yourself into an outfit you would generally never wear around other people that can actually see you. This is why triathletes like to hang out with other triathletes, you don't look weird if you're in a group.

Last week, I bought a wetsuit. I live in the North now and most of my swimming will be in open water and likely in Lake Michigan, which is still pretty chilly in late Spring/early Summer.
My wife says I look like a super-hero. She clearly loves me. Another blogger has described it as feeling like sausage stuffed into casing and I would say that's a pretty accurate description.

The positive of this is the humility lesson. Very few people look slim and muscular in tri suits and wetsuits, but they are tremendously functional. It is very beneficial to be able to swim, bike and run in one tri suit and the wetsuit makes it possible to swim in 50 degree water and not freeze to death. I'm learning to appreciate my body for what it can DO and not what it looks like. I would be lying if I didn't say I would still rather see the slim, muscular version of myself, but it's not my sole focus and that feels like progress!

Ok, swimming. I love the water, I always have. I was a swimmer in high school (mostly back stroke) and I have always loved any opportunity to be in water. I'm not afraid of the ocean or open water. This is part of the reason I thought triathlons would be a good fit for me. What I didn't think about is the fact that it has been over 20 years since I have done anything more than leisurely swim. The first triathlon I completed was only 500meters and I managed ok, but definitely realized I needed more swimming practice. I struggled to maintain good breathing and could have had better body position in the water.

The first two weeks of group training for swimming with CES was working on technique. We were at a community pool and it was extremely helpful. My breathing improved and I could feel the difference in body position. I still need to practice a lot more, but I'm feeling a bit more confident. Then, we had our first open water swim in Lake Michigan. Lesson: I need A LOT more practice, especially in open water and using a wetsuit.

Let me preface this next section: It has been a cold and rainy and windy Spring here in Chicago. When we got into the Lake, it was pretty calm, albeit, cold (But the wetsuit helped tremendously with the cold!). Within a few strokes, the wind suddenly picked up and we were swimming in very choppy water. As soon as I swallowed a bunch of lake water from a wave crashing over me, I started to panic and lost control of my breathing. I had to stop swimming and try to take some deep breaths, which was harder to do because of the tight wetsuit. After a brief pause, I felt calmer and tried to swim again to find that I couldn't get my breathing regulated and the choppy water felt disorienting. Several times, I flipped over and did the back stroke for a minute to catch my breath, but I can't see from that position and worried that I would veer off. I also did a lot of side stroke and breast stroke to round out the swim. 20 minutes later, I was back on the beach with the rest of the CES group and coaches. It seemed a lot of the group was shaken up a bit from the swim and the coaches gave us good positive feedback for fighting through the bad weather conditions to finish the swim, but it was jarring to realize how uncomfortable I felt in the choppy water. I know someday I will probably swim in a race with water conditions that are worse than that if I continue in triathlons, which I hope to do, so I need to figure out how to deal with this new challenge.

(This picture was taken right after we got out of the water...it's hard to tell from the small waves on the shore, but it was fast moving, choppy water further out in the lake!)

Beginnings and Biking

Well, my "official" CES (Chicago Endurance Sports) group training has begun! I wasn't sure what it would be like or how I would feel about it. I have always run alone (or with one or two friends, but even then, only occasionally.) I'm not much of a "group" person, I like the alone time of training. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I really enjoyed our first group run. It wasn't a long run, we spent most of the session going over good running form and then did a quick 20 minute run to practice with some stretching at the end. I was happy to quickly befriend a group of women who are also newbies (with me being the only one who has actually completed a sprint triathlon).

I also have coaches, which is really nice and also kinda weird. They use a program, training peaks to send out our individualized training plans, which are based on this very long questionnaire we filled out for the coaches about our medical history (mine was VERY long and I attached medical release letters from my doctors) and our personal training goals. The program even has an app for my phone so I always know what workout I should be doing...

My workout for the day was a 60 minute bike at Zone 2 (easy, relaxed pace). Well, first I had to change the tube in my front tire. This was a first for me! I've watched others change a bike tire, but I've never actually done it myself. I had the new tube, my pump and levers.  You Tube was up and ready to watch how to videos! After a couple how to videos and my wife also talking me through it, I changed the tube in my tire! Yay for small successes!

So...on to the bike ride! I was very excited to bike along the lakefront path. I wanted to bike south on the path since it is more scenic and often less crowded. I knew the weather was a bit colder today, but I figured that would be nice on a longer ride. I did not however, check the wind. BIG mistake! I basically rode for 30 minutes and then turned around for the last 30 minutes. I could tell it was windy as I was riding south, but it was primarily blowing from the side or behind me, which was helpful, but after 30 minutes on the bike, I turned around to ride north. I instantly knew this was going to be MUCH harder. The wind was intense and I was riding directly into it. At times, I was pedaling and it felt like I was barely moving forward. I had to stop a couple times to regroup and shake my hands out because I was gripping the lower handles so hard to try and balance the bike while staying as low (aerodynamic) as possible to cut through the wind. It took me almost 15 minutes longer to get back to where I started and it was so much harder than I anticipated. I even yelled out at one point (to no one in particular as there weren't many people out), "Oh my god, are you kidding me!" By the time I got home, everything hurt. My legs were sore, my ass was sore, my hands were sore. I checked the weather and there were 17mph winds with gusts up to 25mph. I'm glad that I rode in the wind. I know its an important thing to do around here, when wind can often be an issue. I need the practice, you never know what race day conditions will be like, but I hope beyond hope, that it is not THAT windy! My legs felt like jelly. I can't imagine running after that. But, I made it. I didn't quit and take CTA back home, I battled through it and ended up biking 72 minutes in some pretty intense wind! I rewarded myself with a hot bath and a good, healthy after workout meal of arugula and steak with greek yogurt and some grapes. Yum!

Food for life: Recognizing addiction and lessons in fueling my body.

I love food. I hate eating. This dichotomy is probably a big piece of why I have loathed my body over the years. As a kid, I was pretty average, maybe even on the skinny side. I was also a very picky eater, (my nickname was Bird because I didn't eat a lot but loved bread) I'm still a picky eater at times. As I hit puberty, I became much curvier and developed breasts and hips earlier than most of my friends. I learned to be more self conscience, but I was still thin and healthy. I grew up in a home where weight was an issue. I remember being aware of "diets" and "being thin" as a priority. I watched my parents gain and lose weight throughout my childhood. I've watched my father struggle with it my whole life. I'm very aware of the "dangers" of being fat. My father has type 2 diabetes. I've watched him lose 60lbs and gain 80lbs, then lose 40lbs. Over and over and over. My father is an emotional eater and I learned from him. I'm a daddy's girl and I have identified with his struggle for as long as I can remember (even when I didn't have any weight to lose of my own).  As I became an adult, more pressing medical issues became the focus. In my early 20's, I had my gallbladder and appendix removed within 6 months of each other and then at 27, my first open heart surgery. After that surgery was the first time I was truly overweight and that time frame cemented my genetic predisposition to emotional eating.

I think my first "diet" was probably as a teenager sometime when I was certainly NOT overweight, but had learned to find something about my body that needed to be different, as most women in our culture are taught to do. I had probably lost and gained the same 10lbs for a decade, and all while at a healthy (whatever THAT means...) weight.

I'm 42 now and STILL struggling with this. Admittedly, I am considered "overweight" and I can feel the difference 15-20lbs makes on my body while trying to swim, bike and run farther (and faster) than ever before. What I don't know how to do is deal with it in any kind of a healthy way. Over the years, I have gradually maintained 5, then 10, then 15 pounds of weight that I didn't have in my 20's. Some of that is too be expected with age, but I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER and I need to deal with that. I know what healthy eating looks like. I've tried every 'eating style' there is; vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, whole 30. There are merits to them all and limitations to them all. Over the years, I, at least, have a better understanding of what food makes me feel better and what foods make me feel like crap (i.e. sugar and processed foods).

 I need to readjust my relationship with food. I read a ton of training articles and consistently hear about "food as fuel." I want food to be my fuel so my workouts are more effective, so my body can use it to help me go farther and faster in my races. Yes, I would like to also lose these stubborn 15-20lbs, but I know it's not just about weight loss. It's about learning to control a habit I learned many years ago. A habit that no longer serves any use.

Stronger than I think (and learning to give myself a break)

I was feeling a lot of pressure today to get my workout in. I didn't do any training the past 2 days and I felt extremely guilty about it. I'm learning that I have a lot of guilt around working out (or not working out). I was planning to train on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I had a great workout. I did a brick workout where I ran, then biked, then ran again. I felt REALLY good about the workout. So much so, that I started thinking "Hey, this endurance stuff is definitely my forte. I feel like I get stronger the longer I'm training/the further I go." Then, Sunday came. I completely avoided my workout. Maybe I was too tired from Saturday's workout, but I didn't feel too tired to work out. In fact, I had energy to do other things. I just didn't want to do it. So I didn't, and I felt SO guilty all day. But I told myself, "well, you'll just do a quick workout tomorrow after work to make up for it." I didn't do that either. Sometimes, I'm just not very motivated. I can talk myself out a training session a little too easily.

I'm learning (slowly) that it's okay to miss training sessions, it's okay to choose sleep, friends, family over a training session now and again. There's so much talk in the endurance sports field about finding balance between training and the rest of life (work, family, etc) and I get it now. I feel pressure to be training, but I also feel pressure to be available to spend time with family and friends (this is completely internal pressure, my wife is extremely supportive of my training. Thankfully!)

I have a sign in my office (I'm a clinical social worker) that says "It is what it is." I love that sign. It's pretty much my motto. I can't be everywhere. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't think about myself solely. So, balance. I'll miss a few training sessions to spend time with my wife and friends. I'll leave early or arrive late to gatherings to get my training in. I'll keep working on the guilt part :-)

On a completely different note (sort of), I ran for 30 minutes today without a walk break!!! Woo Hoo! After all my guilt over not training the past 2 days, I went into my workout today unsure of how it would go. My plan was to swim and run, but I've missed several swim sessions lately and my motivation has been waning this week. I got in the pool and completed 800meters (1/2 mile). 100 meter warm up with the kick board, 600 meter free style stroke with minimal breaks (short 10-15 seconds between each 100 meters) and then 100 meters cool down with the breast stroke. That's the farthest I've swam in decades. I felt really good about it and it gave me a boost getting onto the treadmill to work on my running goal. My plan was 26 minutes of running, but I felt so good after the 20 minute mark, I decided to aim for 30 minutes and I made it! I even went a little farther after a 2 minute walk break and added a 10 minute interval run (increasing and decreasing speed) before my cool down!

I'm still running pretty slow, but I feel good about the endurance I'm gaining and I know speed will come with time and training.